Child-free? Child-less? Child-full? What's the problem?

Not that I keep current on this blog at all, but anyone who reads it regularly will notice that I often only write when I read something that bugs me or ticks me off. It is probably true that I do not write well unless I am fired up, which is why I fail at blogging regularly. I read another one of those articles today, and the issue involved (much like the issue of whether or not a woman should change her name or not when she gets married), got me a little salty. It is one of those things that the fact that we are even debating it, that it has even been given media attention, just blows my mind. I know often there are cultural or familial reasons why people feel pressured into living their lives a certain way, and that is up to them and the way they navigate those relationships. On a societal level, however, these kinds of choices should not make a difference to anybody not involved, and furthermore, the people in question should not have to feel self conscious about those choices.

The issue at hand today is whether or not a grown-ass person decides to have children. The article allegedly is talking about humans, but shockingly just focuses on women.

The article in question : Having it all Without Having Children - Lauren Sandler (Time Magazine)

           The question that always comes to my mind when I read something like this is: Why does everything have to be a THING? Everyone is on the defensive, all the time, and every aspect of life becomes this THING to ruminate on, and hate humankind about because “how dare they assume such things?” or “how dare they be so judgy of such and such type of people?” I feel like so often it’s pretty much just a case of middle school blues. This group of people, some subset of society, feels this overwhelming self-consciousness that people are judging and whispering and hating, when in reality, everyone is too busy dealing with their own garbage. The beauty of where and when we live is that by and large, we can be whomever we want to be, and do whatever we’d like to do (within moral limits and legality, of course). I don’t think there is anything wrong with not having children, nor is there anything wrong with changing your name when married (or not!). We fight for this equality, but then instead of standing tall, pursuing it, and looking it in the eye, we are constantly coming out with articles that essentially say, “It’s okay that we do this, isn’t it? You should really think it’s okay… Please think it’s okay.” Just do it. Own it. Live your excellent life and prove yourself by doing, not by saying.

The title of this article would make you think it is talking about childless humans, but clearly it cuts right to the point of childless women. "Why are they so judged?" the article wonders. These women have so many more options based on fertility and adoption, so maybe they are scorned more due to these opportunities. A spotlight is put upon those that are childless (or childfree), whether they have chosen it or not. It’s all very powerful, stating that we can do whatever the hell we want, and why are we expected, as women, to bear children? Funny thing is, no one is forcing ladies to be mothers, at least not yet (though, to be fair, if I ever decided to not have kids, I would hear it from my mother). Women are expected to bear children from an evolutionary point of view. Perhaps that is where these poor sods come from when they ask insensitive questions. Most of the time, it doesn’t make them assholes, it just makes them people who haven’t been touched by the various emotions connected to the commitment of a childfree life.  

Of course, the article comes down to talking about men vs. women, and how women have a smaller amount of childbearing years than men. The article basically mentions how during those years, childless women might as well be wearing a scarlet A since they are such aberrations. Men can sire children into their senior years, so no one pressures them.  The article then brings up lesbian couples who are under “equal pressure” to have kids based on the fact that they are both women in the childbearing age range. Naturally, they don’t mention gay males (penises don’t make parents, after all!).  This I found a little insulting, as I am pretty sure I ask myself similar questions regarding my committed gay male friends as I do about friends who have one or more woman in their relationship. “Are they planning on having kids?” I wonder. Of course, you can’t ask anyone that these days, but I wonder it equally.

I think the basic point of the article was to point out humanity’s flaw in simply expecting people to have children. What the article did instead was shine a spotlight on the poor kid in middle school with the glasses who wanted nothing else but to remain in the dark. The kid who didn't know that there’s nothing wrong with glasses and that one day they’d even be considered sexy. Though this article comes from a place of support, I think it first has to imply there’s something wrong with not having kids before saying there is something wrong with those who expect it.  I don’t think the assumptions society makes about whether or not someone is going to have children come from a bad place; after all, it is a primal instinct to want to propagate the species. So maybe instead of making those assumers out to be villainous, we just show them how to be sensitive. It is true that we do not know people’s circumstances and there can be a lot of pain behind someone’s child-full or child-less status. Sometimes people aren’t aware of this, however, until they or someone they love has been touched by it. So, let’s be sensitive in our assumptions people, and help those who aren't sensitive to understand why they need to be. Though one thing that is clear is that whether you choose to have children, or not; whether you choose to adopt, or not, none of these things make you any less human. There are so many children (and teenagers, and adults, and seniors) that need love on this earth already, each of us can find our contributing place in the world without creating a new one. Admittedly, I personally feel the need to breed one day, but some of the most influential adults in my life were and still are childless, and my life would have been VERY different (read: lacking) without them.